“Who am I, if not THIS?”: Under the Fedora and Beyond the Badge

Well, Ms. D (my teacher persona) made one of her first major appearances in the past three years last night. 👩🏼‍🏫 And I’m not gonna lie. I woke up with a racing heart and All. The. Thoughts. “Are you sure? 😕 What am I doing? 🤔 What have I done? 😬 Where am I going?” 🤷🏼‍♀️ But, all I know is that I’m “going” — moving forward, taking a chance, having another experience.

Walking into LKCS was the trippiest of “trippy-ness” that one could ever trip. 🤯 Through the same doors, with what I swear was the same “Interviews” sign posted in that old swirly font, directed to the same lecture room I was asked to wait in when I started my full-time teaching career over 20 years ago. Sitting there just as anxiously as all the newbies rotating in and out.

Now, before anyone thinks I’m giving up the business and freedom I’ve worked so hard to create for myself these last few years, take a deeeeep breath — none of that is going anywhere. This is no permanent gig nor the level of commitment I was accustomed to before I stepped out of the classroom full-time. Just an opportunity to stay connected to a piece of me, love me some little people, and help out my fellow colleagues with some occasional teaching in my free time. Yep. “Plan B with Ms. D” — substitute teacher. 😂

All humour aside, this is a vulnerable share for me, when everyone expects me to be announcing my next trip south. It’s caused me to do a lot of thinking about all of the hats I wear (and, oh, how we know how much I love those hats! 😉), the labels, images and “expectations” that go with them, and go inward and ask some deeper questions about myself and what it is I want for myself. Most importantly, “Who am I, if not THIS?” Who am I if I’m not wearing my teacher badge, making things look pretty for clients, or wearing a beach fedora and cozying up to a palm tree? Who am I if you take it all away?

Who am I if you take it all away?

What I can tell you is that the answer to that question is actually quite simple (and all I ever aspire to be), but sitting with the discomfort of the feelings a question like that evokes, IS NOT. I have come to learn, however, that it’s actually in that space where the real lessons lie — in those grey areas…between 1 and 100 — where you really start to figure it out.

So, “Who am I, really?” The simple answer — love…and courage. Because, essentially, one doesn’t exist without the other. For me, those really are the only two things that are the answer to any of your questions in life. Do I love what I’m doing? The people I choose to surround myself with? Am I giving myself the same love I so freely give to others? Am I allowing myself to receive that love in return? And if you’re not? It’s time to be brave enough to change that. If something is calling you to stand in love or courage, it’s probably worth it. Life is just too damn short to choose anything else.

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So for now, I wait, in love and courage, to see what the next experience will hold. (If, at all, I am gifted the opportunity because, let’s be real, those interview questions were ridiculously wordy, along with my carefully crafted, yet awkwardly botched answers! 🤦🏼‍♀️ Lol!)

To those of you who sent me your good vibes and words of encouragement yesterday, and when I reached out to you in need of them when all I wanted to do was freeze, I love you. And thank you for helping me be brave.

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2 thoughts on ““Who am I, if not THIS?”: Under the Fedora and Beyond the Badge”

  1. Thats amazing. I love how you’ve come back full circle and are appreciative of all the hats you get to wear, each with their own season! I don’t like change because it makes me uncomfortable. I’m super impressed that you’re stepping out, being brave enough to make those little changes. Good for you!!

    Like

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